Paddling Madly

This one goes out to all of those people who struggle with self-confidence. And if you’re reading this then you already know a little bit about me, and why it might seem odd that lingering self-doubt is something I’ve battled my entire life. There are many reasons for self-doubt, some obvious and others unfathomable, but I can peg mine down to ADHD.

I was diagnosed as a kid, re-diagnosed as an adult and it has been my tippy-tappy faithful friend for life. Now that I’m back in treatment, it seems that I’m “high-functioning” for someone with initialism salad, and I’ve managed to establish a career as an independent artist without killing myself or anyone else in the process. So far so good.

What you typically see when I’m on stage, or in front of a workshop, or hanging out with folks, is a loosely-mannered plateau that’s a lot like juggling only you can’t move your arms or hands. I’m so used to dealing with it, my coping mechanisms evolving over time to handle the pressure in social environments, I don’t really think about it any more. Just focus, and smile and carry on.

It’s like the analogy of a duck on the water, serenely bobbing along in an unhurried way, while below the surface is a mad paddling of webbed feet, serving as locomotion for that cool, aloof floating up top. Just about anytime you see me, there’s mad paddlin’ goin’ on. Mad paddlin’.

And I second guess everything I put out, every production, every performance, every appearance, it’s an ADHD thing, over-think it, replay it, regret it, apologize for it, manically turbo onwards towards the next opportunity to soar or sink.

I just finished the second season of “Food Wars”, the anime that is basically a cartoon version of “Chopped”, and there’s a character who won’t let failure turn him away. Instead, he analyzes his defeats, updates his recipes, tries new things and uses each disaster as a stepping stone to success. Even when I was clearing rooms as an undoubtedly bad lounge act, I still had faith in what I was doing, and that was enough to continue pursuing it. Without that belief that I should be doing this thing, there’d be no reason to work as hard to be better at the thing.

Self-doubt is part of the equation when you’re moving into uncertain territory, and that’s normal and natural. I hope it serves as encouragement to you, a signal that you’re on to something big, and you just need to hold on a little longer.

And paddle madly.